Confessions

Have you ever said something and later come to regret it? You know, one of those statements that you really mean but should probably keep to yourself because it really comes across bad? Admit it, tell me I'm not the only one so I can stop beating myself up now.

My incriminating statement was put on Facebook for all my family, friends, and casual acquaintances to see. It read something like this (I can't rewrite word for word because I've since gone back and removed it from my wall): "My husband told me tonight that I could have two more kitties once the dogs are gone. Could someone please come take them off my hands because I really need more cats!"

Why did I write this? Well the simple answer is I want more cats! I have one now and she is very lonely . She really needs the company and me, I love cats  and just don't think that one is enough. If you've read much of my blog or know me personally you will know that up until recently I had two kitties, current girl and my snuggle buddy, Tiger. Unfortunately Tiger died back in October and I have been devastated by the loss. He was the cat that didn't know he wasn't human. He thought and acted like he was a real baby. And it didn't help that we lost him almost exactly one year after our little guy Boo  disappeared. Losing Boo, then Tiger left a giant hole in my heart, one that has slowly started to mend.  It has come to the point now where I'm ready, not to replace them, but to replace them .... does that make sense?

The other reason I wrote the status is because ..... well, to put it bluntly ... I was never meant to be a dog owner. I just don't bond to dogs like I do to cats. We got dogs because the boys really wanted them but now they're away at college and my husband and I are left home holding the bag.  I've blogged about it before so I won't rehash it. Suffice it to say, I honestly believe the dogs would be better off if they lived in a home where they were loved and pampered instead of here where they pretty much just exist.

However.... I never, repeat - NEVER - wish any real harm to the dogs.

So, can you guess where this is going?

Saturday morning my husband woke me up saying there was something wrong with Holly, said she was laying on the back porch not moving. I got up and went with him to check while listening to him tell what had transpired earlier. He had gotten up early as usual. He and the dogs and the cat had done their usual Saturday morning routine of going out, sipping coffee and smoking (the husband, not the animals) and running around peeing, pooping, and inspecting all the fallen branches from the previous night's storm (the animals, not the husband). They all came back in, husband settled in to checking email and internet browsing. Holly went back outside. A little while later she came back and was, according to him, acting weird. She was panting heavily and sorta stumbling around. At one point her legs went out from under her but she got back up and asked to go back outside. After letting her out, hubby went to the living room to watch a little TV. About thirty minutes later he went back out to check on her and that's when he found her laying on the porch.

It was pretty evident to me when I got to her that she was dead. I am ashamed to admit my first thought was "oh my gosh, I can't believe this is happening less than twelve hours after posting that stupid status." My next thought was to console my husband, because even though she hounded him to death, she loved him dearly and they were companion whether he liked it or not (part of him did!) and, then ... oh no, we have to call Andrew and tell him.

We really don't know what happened. We can only speculate. We had really bad storms the night before and we wondered if a snake or something else displaced from the storms had come along and bitten her. There was also the fact that she was somewhat overweight and we wondered if maybe she had a heart problem, though she was only ten years old. Someone else suggested poisoning but I find that very unlikely. I guess we'll never know.

What I do know is that I felt horrible about it. I wanted her gone ... but just to another home, maybe one with kids who'd play with her and love on her. I did not want her dead.

We buried her in the back yard near the boy's tree house. And now, she's in doggie heaven being alpha dog to all the other dogs and maybe she's found her buddy Tiger. They did love to chase each other around the back yard.

As for me, I'll be more careful in the future how I word what I post!

R.I.P Holly Bear.