Last night we experienced a home invasion. It happened around 3am and was committed by a lone culprit. I'm not sure how he got in but he went out in a body bag - I killed him!
Ok, now that I have your attention let me fill in the details.
I am a night owl who rarely goes to bed before one a.m. I usually stay up late watching TV and surfing the internet. Last night was no exception other than it was closer to two before I finally shut off the computer and climbed into bed. The later than normal lights-out was more than likely due to the two glasses of sweet tea I drank at lunch. One would think there had been plenty of time for the caffeine to work its way out of my system but at 1:00 a.m. I was still wide away. Finally around two, knowing I needed to be up in six hours, I forced myself to shut down.
I tossed and turned for a bit and was finally drifting into the Land of Nod when I heard a sound. The sound appeared to be coming from the direction of the door which I had my back to. I turned and halfway opened an eye. All I saw was a small black form that appeared to be inching towards me.
I guess I should explain to those who don't know me that without my glasses I am blind as a bat. I'm so near-sighted that I find it hard to distinguish details and features. And, even though I'd only been asleep a short while, I was pretty groggy. Consequently as far as I was concerned there was a menacing black blob coming my way and it appeared to have glowing green eyes. And the sounds, oh the sounds that were coming from it sent chills up my spine.
At that point my brain clicked on and I was instantly aware that the blob was in fact my cat. But the sound, what was that sound? It was NOT coming from the cat but did in fact draw her into the room. Spunky was running and jumping all over the place and it instantly became apparent she was chasing something, something that was flying back and forth from wall to wall, from ceiling to floor and back again.
I jumped out of bed and Spunky darted out of the room leaving me alone to conquer the enemy. But first I needed to determine what exactly the enemy was and .... where did "it" go? There it was on the ceiling darting between the blades of the ceiling fan. Whatever it was, it was huge. And fast. And .... where did it go again?
I decided the best plan of attack was to put on my glasses so I could actually see what I was fighting, and I needed a weapon. It would also be helpful if I had a partner in fighting crime. Obviously the cat was out, she had already abandoned the scene. Next I turned to my husband, soundly sleeping, emitting a gently snore. That's what I needed ... a knight in shining armor.
That idea was quickly scratched, in fact I almost laughed out loud. I love my man, he's the light of my life, but ... he does not fight home intruders (unless he's fighting in his sleep and then he becomes all kung-fu-fighter- man, remind me to tell you that story sometime). But when it comes to intruders that fly and crawl .... forget it! My big hunk of man becomes a squeamish girlie-man that runs the other way. Oh wait, there was that one time, when a BAT wandered into our kitchen, hubby came through that time. He captured the bat in a laundry basket and very quickly deposited it outside. His moment of shining glory.
Back to my dilemma, I decided the best course of action would be to get a weapon and go into attack mode on my own. I went to the kitchen and came back with the best thing I could find. No, not a gun or knife, a FLY SWATTER. Yep, one of these. I am woman-warrior hear me roar!
Except there was no roaring. After all it was 3 am and my honey was sleeping so I was trying to be as quiet as I possibly could, which wasn't all that easy considering I was invader hunting in darkness. I tip-toed back in the room armed with my swatter waiting for the opportunity to take down the flying-bouncing-from-wall-to-ceiling critter that interrupted my beauty sleep. And wouldn't you know it, he was gone! Not a wing, antenna, or hairy leg to be seen.
This was too good to be true, right? Was it possible that my intruder decided on his own that this was a mistake, he had the wrong house, and left as quickly and quietly as he entered? Probably not but I can hope. I sat on the end of the bed and waited.
Five minutes went by and neither hide nor hair of him.
Another five minutes ... nothing.
Ever the optimist I tossed my weapon aside and gently crawled back into bed. Hubby snorted, turned over, and never cracked an eye. Cautiously I closed mine and willed myself to go back to sleep.
Wait, did you hear that? No? What, that? Yes, THAT! It's like being in a pinball machine. PING! PING! DING! PING!
My intruder was back and he was in rare form. I couldn't decide if I should just pull the covers over my had and hope he would go away or if I should return to defense mode. Hiding, that's a good idea, but what if he found a way to get under the covers? What if he decided to heck with warrior woman, I'll go after Mr McSnory here. Would it be wrong to leave my defenseless husband open to an attack from the enemy?
Darn it, defense mode it is. I jumped up, covered my head with my pillow (really didn't want that thing dive bombing into my hair), and took the warrior stance. And then I started swing my weapon anywhere and everywhere.
Bulls eye! I made contact and the icky, giant invader bounced into the chair beside the bed. I followed up with a quick one-two chop and there he lay .... defeated.
And then in darkness of my room, I saw the faint wiggle of a leg, or two or three. MY gosh will this thing never die? One more swat and he bounced onto the floor. I grabbed a tissue and picked him all. It wasn't easy because he was huge .... and icky .... and dead,
I was a brave, warrior-woman and I was not about to let a huge, icky invader defeat me. What better way to finally off the buggar than a burial at sea, or the next best thing ... into the tidy bowl he went.
In the light of the bathroom I finally got a look at my invader. Ewww, gross - a Palmetto bug. aka COCKROACH! Gross, I think I just about tossed my cookies.
THERE WAS A GIANT COCKROACH FLYING AROUND IN MY BEDROOM!!
And, not just any cockroach but 3-inch long, flying. icky. nasty. cockroach. GROSS
Would you like to know the worse part about the whole thing? I had to face this enemy alone. My husband was blissfully snoozing ten feet away, completely unaware of the danger he narrowly missed. How unfair that he missed out on the whole ordeal. I know, let's save him a reminder.
I put that nasty little invader in the loo but I didn't flush him! I just gently closed the lid, turned out the bathroom light, and climbed back into bed. Finally, peace and quiet.
As I was drifting off to sleep a thought popped into my head. Did I remember to close the lid on the toilet? What if I forgot, he climbs out, and flies back into the room to taunt me? What if he's angry and out for revenge? What if ....
I jumped up and ran for the bathroom. Light on. Toilet seat down. Whew!
I slowly lifted the lid and there he was, minus an antenna and two legs, and doing the backstroke. Great. No one's going to believe this are they? I know, I think I'll take a picture. I grabbed my phone, yelled "smile" and pushed the button. I closed the lid but still couldn't bring myself to flush the toilet - hubby still needs to see this up close and personal.
I climbed back in bed ... finally, sleep... sweet, blissful sleep. After all the day's excitement I can't wait to fall asleep.
I'm slipping awaaaaaay.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH! What if he called for reinforcements?
You'll be glad to know that I did finally fall asleep. It wasn't the seven hours I was hoping for but it was enough. I made it through a terrible, horrible home invasion and lived to tell the tale.
And, my little BIG visitor ... yep, still swimming in the toilet at 7 am. I think it's true what they say, that when Armageddon comes the cockroach will live on. Meanwhile Dale was properly impressed ... and promptly FLUSHED.
And just for you, here's the proof ewwwww, I know GROSS!